Paranoia

I don't want to lose my friends. 

I can't lose my friends.

I don't get close to many people

I can't stop myself from trying to get close to people.

I can't stop myself from caring.

I can't stop this paranoia.

I take risks to end all this.

I just cant carry on.

I want to end all this.

I will end all this.

I am going to end all this.

I will kill myself.

Too nice of a guy...

People come to me to talk to when they're said. I dont mind, I dont mind at all. I like to help people, whether advice or just someone to rant to or listen. I'll smile when they're happy. Even though they go to other friends to celebrate, forgetting those who didn't shy alway when they needed someone.

But who listens to the listener?

No one really cares about that person don't they?

After all, I'm the only one who notices.

I guess I dont show I'm hurting. Probably thats why no one else notices. I just cant seem to click with people. Probably cause I care too much. Care too much to do reckless stupid frivous things that make friends.

I'm too emotional, too caring, too vulnerable, too... hanging on barely...



100% of readers will read this, click "X" and conviently forget about my feelings

Always running away...

Some crazy shit going down these days, relationships forming and breaking around me, it’s almost like I’m in the eye of the storm. Not that I’m calm about it. I was talking to “Hoshi” just now. I guess he can vocalize his thoughts easy. Your best friend breaks up on screwed up terms, you’ll feel bad about it. If you’re close enough, “I told you so” wouldn’t cross your mind, its revenge. And the most screwed up feeling is when you can’t do anything.

I guess I don’t analyze my situations, occurrences and happenings enough. It took me effort from analyzing “Hoshi”s feelings in order to really have a clear picture of what I think. Most of the time, my analysis is blurry, vague, Nevertheless, scary. Its not that I don’t analyze my life, but what every minimal effort I’ve put it so far, it’s really scary. Part of me wants to know more, but for the most part, just run away.

I can shrug off shit easy; I push it to the corner of my mind, that’s all. But sooner or later, either they start coming back out, or I can’t push it back further no more. That’s why I hate thinking, cause it’ll inevitably lead to every piece of shit.

Maybe that’s why I dwell in guns, shoot them and kill them, at least for the time being.

Lost and alone, separated from my buddies every start of each battle. There are never enough bullets for all my ghosts, surviving each battle by the skin of my teeth. Resupply, always late, never enough. Always falling back, losing ground, losing part of my mind. Falling back to strong points, but I always lose them. Every respite, I vow to regain what I’ve lost. But it seems that I’m always failing. All my buddies are always so near, yet so far.

I’ll keep fighting though. Moments of respite with my buddies, remembering why I fight, that’s what keeps me going. But even that, like what wars do, my soul is slowly fading away.

Haiku

In the eve of friday,
just shy of six,
the rain clouds cleared,
everyone saw a miracle.




It was spectacular, the rainbow of course. I'd like to fancy that the world stopped to gaze at magic. I've never seen one in real life. I know the science, I know the stories. But its something that made me pause and think about the sky and everything below it.

The feeling of gazing at it is too difficult to pen down, in this case, type out.

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. Its too simplistic to discribe it by them.

Rainbows evoke a sense of peace inbued when young. Where everything else becomes tainted, rainbows stay pure.

The mind runs at breakneck speed at the sight of rainbows.

That is the reason why wordless is attached to rainbows. Where beginning, middle and end are reversed, jumbled up and in line all at the same time.

What rainbows are? They're....

There Aint No Time Like Old Time

Grr...

Most of the work I put in results in success 1/5 of the time. Annoying really. Never appreciated and not appreciating.

If your immediate thought is you, then you're probably wrong. If you thought it was your fault, for a split second, you appreciated something I did. And people who dont appreciate another, won't do it until its lost, even if he or she is prompted.

If it isn't, well...


Catch all the flak you want son, but be careful, too much flak and you'll crash and burn.

2008 - 2009

2008

Woke up at 9 to meet wz and gen at merawoods. 'pparently vic came over and wz had to meet his friend for a short while.

4 of us went to PS to have lunch, vic had a little problem with her card but it got fixed. Went to the food court to eat. Jun, Ben and Kenneth arrived respectively.

Buggered around for some time and went to east coast to cycle. We wanted to bowl but we decided that it could be easily done.

cycled for 2 hours and had a break.

Went back to merawoods to wz's house. Watched tropic thunder for a while until gen got keys to her house ('pparently she got locked out and went to get it from her bro)

Then the gang went to gen's house. Weren't supposed to be there.

Called for KFC

Everyone was quite relaxed. Talking, Xbox and my laptop were the things done. Got people hooked on "Left 4 dead" and "Deadspace" (did quite bad on Gears of war 2, got better when i got my sniper rifle)

Hauled ass outta there at 10.30. More of cause we wanted to play hide and seek.

Kenneth and Ben "drew the short straw".

Walked around with gen, si min and jun. Wanted to hide at the stairs but gen said it was obvious.

Sneaked in the carpark for some time, got split up from gen and si min.

Went back to drop my bag. Met vic, bel , wz and gang there.

jun wanted to rest. sneaked away. Saw ken and ben at the corner and gtfo of there. did a bit of "monkey-ing" around and got to my favourite spot. sent off updates.

got bluff by gen (i knew, swore i heard too much noise in the background)

stayed there.

was spitting distance to ken, ben and jun. held my nerve.

last one and gave myself up.

had another game, ken, ben, wz and me were hiders, rest of the 7 were catchers. gen and jun were the oracles.

no one got caught

regrouped at 11.50

counted down

2009 (cool eh, half way another day, dont get this much)

hugs and pats and high fives. left me thinking, brooding.

got some drinks and stayed till 2. amanda joined halfway.

heard "bet" and "sunrise"

got home at 3. couldn't sleep, won 2 games of dota and did some research.

changed at 5.15 and got outta the house to merawoods..

waited and chat with amanda for 15minutes. met with the gang.

didn't have a good vantage point. did the best i could. quite accurately pointed out were the sun was.

Watched the sunrise. spectacular, thought provoking, special

took photos with the gang.

ate breakfast at KAP

bused home with gen, her gang and amanda.

got home, bathed the slept till 8.



You know. Its really sad. This year is the year of change. School postings, NS, Moving. I never fail to wonder if friends,life will be better. Did, am and will cherish every moment of that countdown. Least I spent it with my favourite group of friends. wouldn't trade then for the world.

G, hope you didn't get too bad from ya parents.

Just scared shitless, thats all.

2 years ago... revisited

The inevitable has come, once again.

Next few months are going to be torture, plain torture. I might be moving again.

Down a few blocks' no kick, I'm talking about far away. Not like Benny, but sure hell feels like it.

It’s a real bitch. 17 years in this area. I'm going to miss everything. Friends I love, memories I made and the familiar places.

More than that, I'll miss my friends at merawoods. 7 years together, literally knowing each other as we grew up.

Someone said something along the lines of "It’s just the 4 of us left". Now, I'm making it 3.

Am I the last straw that broke the camels' back?

I talked to Ailsa a while back, heart wrenching, tear jerking conversation.

I aint gonna kid myself, no ones' going to miss me like the world's coming to an end. But let no one say again that "Yueming went out like a baby, crying in front of everyone, slobbering like an idiot".

There’s a BBQ this Saturday. I forced myself to go, I wont run away from fear any more.

I won’t spoil everyone's fun this holiday; probably tell it to Kenneth and Jun. The rest, I don’t know how I'll break it to them. But I know that I won’t spoil their celebration.

I am sorry...

You are... Astartes?
In a life far away.
what is your chapter?
I sold my soul to the devil, that part of me is gone.
Wont you come?
Sir, I can not. No words can express my pride of you, but I must stay.
What is your name?
Alriuc.
Alriuc, you will be remembered in the imperium, hailed as the hero, never forgotten in your sarifice to the emperor
Thank you, dear sir, you will be remembered by me, always...