Always running away...

Some crazy shit going down these days, relationships forming and breaking around me, it’s almost like I’m in the eye of the storm. Not that I’m calm about it. I was talking to “Hoshi” just now. I guess he can vocalize his thoughts easy. Your best friend breaks up on screwed up terms, you’ll feel bad about it. If you’re close enough, “I told you so” wouldn’t cross your mind, its revenge. And the most screwed up feeling is when you can’t do anything.

I guess I don’t analyze my situations, occurrences and happenings enough. It took me effort from analyzing “Hoshi”s feelings in order to really have a clear picture of what I think. Most of the time, my analysis is blurry, vague, Nevertheless, scary. Its not that I don’t analyze my life, but what every minimal effort I’ve put it so far, it’s really scary. Part of me wants to know more, but for the most part, just run away.

I can shrug off shit easy; I push it to the corner of my mind, that’s all. But sooner or later, either they start coming back out, or I can’t push it back further no more. That’s why I hate thinking, cause it’ll inevitably lead to every piece of shit.

Maybe that’s why I dwell in guns, shoot them and kill them, at least for the time being.

Lost and alone, separated from my buddies every start of each battle. There are never enough bullets for all my ghosts, surviving each battle by the skin of my teeth. Resupply, always late, never enough. Always falling back, losing ground, losing part of my mind. Falling back to strong points, but I always lose them. Every respite, I vow to regain what I’ve lost. But it seems that I’m always failing. All my buddies are always so near, yet so far.

I’ll keep fighting though. Moments of respite with my buddies, remembering why I fight, that’s what keeps me going. But even that, like what wars do, my soul is slowly fading away.