Whatever here is purely based on what i saw.

I really wonder whats up with her. I'm not talking about "what the fuck is wrong with you". I'm talking about, "you okay?"

Its like, shes losing hope. She used to be lively. Not so detached.

Now, I can see in it her eyes. Its the look of people that have given up hope. Eyes staring into space.

I don't know, I have a feeling that she doesn't understand. When we explain, takes her a few times to get the concept. I really dont mind explaining it. But sometimes, her face tenses up, for a split second, then says she understands. Usually that means that the person doesn't understand. Like that person's hiding it.

I heard her saying that she feels that shes not contributing. Its just that the way she said it, there was emotion. I dont know whats going on.

Enough sleep, but why would she be so tired? It cant be lack of energy. It must be lack of hope. Like when you give up hope, feeling like just quiting, you tend to lose interest and feel like sleeping. Like thes no drive.

After all the work? Well, she was lively. Lost with her friends. She was smiling when she particpated. She was having fun, real fun. Not the forced smiles.

I've gone through all this. Maybe in a different situation. But its just the same, the feelings. Its not easy to have to do something you dont have the drive to. Like going with the flow. I wanna help. But hell, I cant. I guess that I cant have everything. Really reminds me of this line, "I know a girl, She worked in a store, She knew not what, Her life was for"

Well, staying back after school was fun. It was one of those days where there were people with free time on their hands. We had fun! Music, dance and computer games. She was happy as well. I talked a lot with ailsa. Shes actually quite smart, but i think she might not be confident. The "not that confident bit". Found out that shes born in the same month as me, and 15 days older! We're virgos!!!

I found out that:

Virgo's are one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. People think they're fussy, critical bad tempered and picky but that's only because they want everything to be perfect. This is the sign of cleanliness, although lots of Virgo's have the grottiest bedrooms and hang their clothes on the floor. They're extremely inquisitive and have a dreadful time trying to relax. Virgo's make fantastic friends. If a minor crises pops up you can be sure the Virgo will have everything under control in 30 seconds. They are always on the move because they like to learn as much as they can before they take off again. They excel at work so they probably get all the boring jobs (the ones Leo wouldn't be seen dead doing).

Virgo's are highly intelligent, interested in everything and everyone and happy to be busy with many jobs and hobbies. Many have some kind of specialised knowledge and most are good with their hands. Their nit-picking ways can infuriate their colleagues. They find it hard to discuss their innermost feelings and this can make them hard to understand. In many ways, they are happier doing something practical than dealing with relationships. These people can overdo the self-sacrificial bit and make themselves martyrs to other people's impractical lifestyles. They are willing to fit in with whatever is going on and they can adjust to most things, but they mustn't neglect their own needs. Although excellent communicators and wonderfully witty conversationalists, Virgo's prefer to express their deepest feelings by actions rather than words. Most avoid touching all but very close friends and family members and they find lovey-dovey behaviour embarrassing. These people can be very highly sexed and they may use this as a way of expressing love. Virgo's are criticised a good deal as children and are often made to feel unwelcome in their childhood homes. They in turn become very critical of others and they can use this in order to wound.

Many Virgo's overcome inhibitions by taking up acting, music, cookery or sports. Acting is particularly common to this sign because it allows them to put aside their fears and take on the mantle of someone quite different. They are shy and slow to make friends but when they do accept someone, they are the loyalist, gentlest and kindest of companions. They are great company and have a wonderful sense of humour.

Its quite true for me!

Well, shes wonderful company. I dont know, she has the aura of someone that you can be yourself with. I guess that I feel that I can drop the act with her and be myself. I dont know, she could very well be one of the people in my class that I can regard as a real friend. Well, I regard her as a close friend. I hope she feels the same.

I wonder, is there more to life than adrenline? Maybe its true "never give your child too many toys when their young".

This friday, a group of teens will take the leap into faith, Myself included. I'll trust my life with any one of them. We're all excited, but dreading it. Will we make it out of it alive?

We'll get through this. What do reason do I have to support that statement? Well, nothing much, I just know we will get through this.

I've been thinking, maybe there is more to life than excitment. I really wish I could know. Searching all the time, yet, I do not know what my treasure is.

I fucked up

I got home at 1 when I was supposed to be home at 8. Major screw up. I dont know, I can go on a clean record for a long time. Then, when i screw up, I do it bad. Grounded a whole damn day. Hate that.

I screwed up with genevieve. I screwed up with cassandra. I screwed up with K. I screwed up with my parents. I screwed up with so many people. By the way, names here aren't listed in any particular order. And I didn't screw up in the same way.

But seriously, its depressing to know that I've let down or made so many people down. Thats why I hate thinking. Most of the time, its okay. Thinking up of cool stuff to do and say. But its those times when you really think. About life, death and everything between it. Thats why I hate being alone. Private stuff is different, but everything else, I hate doing stuff alone. I'm just scared.

But hell, I dont know. Sometimes, I was go back and change the past. Sometimes I want to do something to change the present state. And sometimes, I wanna leave things the way it is. I guess that I can be a perfectionist. If it aint gonna be good, why do it. Its more evident for important stuff.

I wanna say sorry to K but I got no guts/balls and I wanna do it properly. I dont know, I guess I like her. But I got honour, I'm not gonna try. Cause of reasons I know that she would not want me to tell the world. But hell, I'd still rather keep her as a friend. I seriously do not need a guy beating me up cause I got fresh with her.

I wanna ask genevieve, but I go no guts/balls and I wanna do it properly as well. I dont want it to be chessy and I want to do it face to face. I'm really serious with her. I wanna ask her. But too many things are keeping me from it.

1) she just went through a tough time with someone.

2) she said some stuff which I do not know whether is really her mind.

3) I guess that because of two, I'm stagnating. This guy like her and is going all out. Like bluffing his fiends and all. I guess that cause genevieve knows, I'm hoping she would not go with him.

4) Her exams, I dont need to be the cause of her screwing it up.

5) I've gone through a relationship. I more or less know what's supposed to happen and all. And part of me knows that I'm lazy and will not live up to those expectations.

6) I dont know, I kinda feel that we dont have much in common. I'm wild crazy. Shes high crazy. Theres a difference. One example, I was almost coaxing everyone to walk out on the teacher. Thats wild crazy, doing stuff that no one will ever dare to dream of.

There are so many reasons. I used to think "what the heck, lets just do this shit" and I'll have done this shit already.

Shit, I hate growing up. Having to be tacital and all that. Gone are the days where jokes, hell, they come out like water. Now I have to think whether its sexist or racist. But by then, the joke aint gonna work.

Well, pierre said some interesting stuff. And frankly speaking, after all we've been through, I'll really consider what he's thinking.

semper fi, always faithful
The way the days and hours pass you'll never understand,Falling like rain through your hands

And life goes on... But heres a lil recap on what happened today.

Well, Mr andre's last day today. I was pretty sad. He was a damn good teacher, and thats one hellva one high standard.

The class did something special today for him. We bought a chocolate cake, 5 roses (for the 5 teams) and a card. We were preparing the stuff. But suddenly, he came to the classroom! Roger, Iqul and Anfal were outside, ready to stop him from entering. But he came so unexpected that they did not think up of an idea to stop him.

I thought heard someone say " Mr Andre! Don't go in! Kasmi's changing inside!". Look on his face was priceless! Then Ika came in and told everyone. Kasmi's face has horrified! PRICELESS! Okay, thats a lil mean.

When he came back again, we had everything ready. Ferrisher had "You are not alone" by Michael Jackson playing. We all stood up and greeted him. I saw that he was touched. It was such a wonderful moment. Andre was so touched that he was wiping tears away. Quite alot of us were touched too. Fine, I confess, my eyes had something in them, thats why they were watering! I'm a emotional person, I'm probably the first to tear up at this sorta thing.

Mr Andre, I am sure that the whole class feels the same when I say that you've been a great facilitator and the best that I've ever met. You taught us life and taught us things that we have never thought about. Your wide knowledge never failed to keep us interested. Coupled with your openness, you never failed to brush aside our monday blues. You taught us to be a better people and you never failed to give motivation to each and everyone of us. No lesson was boring. Thank you for the awesome learning experience. Sir! I salute you!

On a more personal note,

I'll always miss the days when I step into the class feeling down. And I never fail to hear a "Good Morning Yueming". The cheerfulness behind those 3 words never failed to make me grin. You always had interesting stories to tell the whole class. You always gave an indept commentation about my relection journal and my presentation. Helped me understand my weak areas. But what distingushed you above the rest is that you never fell back on your position as a teacher to win a debate. You always went head to head with my views. You are indeed one of a kind. I hope that you won't ever forget us, our class and RP itself.

Well, whats done's done. I guess that I have to accept that fact that culture wouldn't ever be the same again. But the lessons, shall never be forgotten. They will always be fresh in my mind.